Dear Chicory
by Kariko Emma
Summary: Yuugao and Kakashi, little continuation. Bach Flower Remedies, sacred values and vows, and massive fear over the general uncertainty of modern life.


**Author's Note:** 'Water Violet', next to Cou, is something special to me. This is a continuation of Uzuki Yuugao and Hatake Kakashi and other(s)! Please note that this is set just _before_ the collective shinobi war against Akatsuki, and pretty much soon _after_ Pein's destruction upon Konohagakure. Thank you Scotty (Doohan), Churchill, and Chesterton, and in that order! Thanks Tahle for reading it, and trying to tell me I'm not crazy.

**Disclaimer:** Love to read Naruto, but alas, do not own it!

**Genre:**General; very little strong language in this—no love scenes. Typical Kariko-Emma stuff.

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Yuugao sighed heavily—waiting for something she knew not what.

She never thought herself ever really afraid before, except when it came to the fear of insecurity about herself (going mad), the fear of failure (the result of madness), or the fear of one she loved only to lose him to extraordinary circumstances (happened once before). But now she could say to herself without hesitation she didn't know how this would all end but "in fire". However, the fact that no one else knew how it would end either gave her some small hope in the face of grey and red cloaked terror. The most she could see now was that she was no longer surprised by the Hell waged on this sacred ground—it was the Heaven—the _miracles_ she desperately peeled her eyes open to look forward to everyday. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. So she was ready for it. She was ready for she knew not what.

She remembered Orochimaru's attack well enough—the horrid epilogue and nightmare to Hayate's death. The Hokage fought for them—for her. The village lost him, but at least they did not lose their home. Losing her photos—her memories and things bothered her less and less: at least they did not lose each other. Never in her life since Sandaime's passing did she see such an outpouring of flowers from the women and men, and the people in and around their leveled village. All of them were laid beneath the mountain faces, exactly were the hokage's tower used to stand. It was a grand bed of flowers, of all colors, shapes, and sizes and fragrances, covering a small portion of the basin; their fragrance wafting through the sand and the dust every single day. Over the sacred ground.

When Yuugao shifted, she remained alert and cautious—her back was straight, and her neck straighter, listening for anything out of the ordinary—anything at all. She was poised and predetermined to go after any enemy she might see lurking in the shadows of the leaves on the forest floor or in the air. In a borrowed chuunin's green uniform ill fitting her slightly (too big) and a lucky poker card stuffed in one of the scroll pockets—an Ace that wasn't hers, she watched constantly for any signs of Akatsuki or otherwise along the border outside Konohagakure.

Sarutobi would have been old, and Hayate a little more so. Perhaps it was best neither of them saw what befell behind her. And here, Yuugao thought of the lady Tsunade. That woman who was the only_ reason_ they still had one another. "Buildings can be rebuilt," Yuugao had heard one man say to another, "But I couldn't find _you_ up atop an Iwa mountain, come here, you!" Restless, Yuugao shifted again, careful not to make a sound, and careful not to smile and lose herself in extraneous thought. There was no mask on her face these days—but she was still ANBU at heart, serving with them and the border guard regularly. She was assigned a different task nearly every few days, in cycles. The variety helped her mind distract her from her unease. She knew exactly what she needed to do if an enemy ninja dare show his face near the village once more. Yuugao was going to rip his lungs out.

Yuugao did not get the chance however—the day was almost peacefully quiet, a ruse. Hell, even a _ploy_as Genma always said. "Genma, what's your name?" she asked him. Blissfully indignant, he fired off, "It's a ploy!" She either found him in a snarky mood these days or a silently mournful one. The silence today was much like the day before, and the day before that. But it seemed it was getting harder and harder for her to hold her breath under this eerie water for very long.

She ran inside the rebuilding village when another ninja relieved her. Her break wasn't long, but she wanted to make the most of it. Instinctively she ran straight for the post office, by-passing the thin wafts of cooking food coming from the portable carts and tents. It was always so fragrant and tempting. The lines attached to these stands were always long and unending—or rather, _still_ quite long.

Yuugao ran down the dusty ground, dodging the laborers, carpenters, tradesmen, and merchants within a respectable distance—the shinobi and the civilians. Her stride was quick and loosened as she went and she relished the movement after keeping to an enclosed area for so long. The blind run was comfortable until she slowed and poked her head through the open door, her heart thumping. "Hello…?" she advanced cautiously into the large room until she saw a man finally whose sight had been mischievously guarded by a central pillar. "Oh, Iruka-sensei," she said, surprised no one else was in the building. The teacher was cutting open a small brown package.

"Oh, hello Miss Yuugao," he smiled, "Or is it _still _'miss' Yuugao?"

She smiled. "More of your friends marrying off?"

"Everyone except Gai and Kakashi as far as I know."

She grinned, "Genma is still single."

"Oh I haven't seen him much. He's in the village you know—or wait, was I supposed to say…"

She laughed a little softly until Yuugao forgot the chuunin and skipped up to the counter as the postmaster entered in his den. "Ohaya gozaimasu, Kenada-san!" she greeted cheerily, "Oh please please tell me one those boxes is mine!"

"Miss Yuugao," he recognized with a smile. The young woman had come in three times the day before, and twice the day before that. "Yes, I do believe I saw your name on one of these that I just set down," he began sorting through them to find the one.

"Oh, really?" Her heart beat swiftly with satisfaction—thank God!

While the postmaster continued sifting toward the bottom, Iruka was staring at her changed demeanor curiously, "May I ask what it is you're receiving?" he said.

"A replacement!" Yuugao grinned with contentment. "Six weeks without Hornbeam and Larch…I have gone stark-raving _mad!_ Of course you probably could tell that already," she added self-deprecatingly.

"…Hornbeam?" the young man questioned.

"It's a flower—a flower remedy. Rescue remedy. Oak, Aspen, Mimulus. Since…Since everything was destroyed," she watched Kenada set the box he found upon the counter, "I had to order a new set. There's no growing anything in this soil anymore."

"Should be all there Miss."

"Thank you!" She felt tears come to her eyes as she beheld the small brown box addressed to her. "Thank God. The price should be well worth the benefit."

"Oh, this also came for you Miss," the postmaster set a white envelope atop the package, "Oh?" Yuugao scanned it curiously, trying to recognize the writing when she could not find a return address, unlike the package that was shipped from just north of the border. "Thank you so much sir," She moved it and the package out of his way just when two people entered in.

Searching the letter's face curiously in intrigue, she nearly forgot to notice Iruka walking out with her, the small parcel in his arms. "So what's yours?" She asked quickly to be friendly.

"Pencils. And Paper. The blackboard was supposed to have been shipped two weeks ago, but I guess it was attacked by _ukenin_."

Yuugao's brow raised a quarter. "Ukenin would attack—no, destroy a _blackboard_? Oh how cruel…" she said with vague sympathy.

"Laugh all you want," Iruka grinned, "But we're going to make it work somehow."

Yuugao nodded with admiration, "Good luck."

"Hey, thanks, you too."

With that, Yuugao took off again, fast as she could—unnecessarily breezing past and sending dust behind. She gripped both the letter and the package tightly in her arms, feeling a cool, swift breeze fly on either side of her like ancient gentle winds. Even though she worked alone so often, she never felt as such. Hayate's memory was still with her from day to day, along with the way her youth once was, when she'd be navigating through the central corridor right now instead of central ground zero with horrid red clouds constantly above her head. Even faster she sped, concentrating on a single white spec in the distance.

Arriving at the series of white tents and a half-built grand thing on raised ground, quickly she trotted around, looking for the woman. Yuugao waved her hand the moment she saw her. Nearly tripping over she called, "It came! It came!"

The woman smiled, coming over to meet her young friend, "Why Yuugao, Whatever it is, I haven't see you so excited since…" she trailed as the young shinobi set the brown parcel down on a white-clothed table. "Should all be here. I'm sorry I can't stay and open it with you," the words tumbled out of Yuugao's mouth instantly, "I must be back now or they'll think I was taken away by another black cloak or an ukenin with a giant blackboard."

"What…? What is that?" the woman asked after the envelope.

"Oh I don't know—I'll let you know later."

"All right, be…" The woman smiled suddenly: Yuugao was already gone.

.

Yuugao had to wait until lunch—twelve-thirty (for her), and even then she was thinking more about her stomach than the mysterious letter without a return address. She found a line and it was only then as she began to wait, as she was perfectly still, that she remembered the letter and her curiosity roused incrementally from it's inert position. Seeing little movement and a very long wait, as usual, she retrieved the letter from the inside pocket of her green vest and opened the back of it carefully, and read,

_Dear Chicory,_

Yuugao's heart leapt—Hayate used to call her 'little Chicory', and the nurse too knew sometimes the only thing that could help the young woman balance her love, clinginess, grief, and emotions was the little flower. Of all the remedies, she hated that one the most. But the letter was not from Hayate, and as Yuugao read further, it could not have been written by the nurse, either—

_I realize this is unexpected—forgive me. Half the time I can't explain my motives but I'm sure you will be able to guess for someone who knows me as well as you. Maito Gai told me, just before he left, that if there was anything he's learned lately, it's 'Life is too short.' I've known him long enough that he never says those kinds of things to me unless he thought it needed to be said. I began to think about those words, and I was afraid to find I thought of you…_

"Hey lady—move!" preceded bumps into her shoulders. Yuugao moved up in line.

"Hey man—chill out!" said a different voice—it was Genma's.

"Genma…" Ahead of her, four spots, the man with the senbon gave up his spot in order to stand ahead of her. "…Genma!" she said again in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Getting lunch—how about you?" he lowered his voice, and with it, the needle fell and up rose his confidential smile, "Or do you just need a place to read your mail?"

Consciously, she pulled the letter close to her vest so Genma could not read how the letter began. If he saw_ 'Dear Chicory' _written in the upper right hand corner she would have some explaining to do, in which case she didn't know yet exactly _who_ the letter was from. For all accounts, it could have been from Genma himself since he and Hayate were close and in turn, Genma was a great friend to then _and_ now…and now, with an intention—a continued one to being more than that to her. "Well I…" she smiled awkwardly. "I'm sorry," she said loud enough for the man behind her to hear. Then she lowered her voice inquisitively, "How long is your lunch hour?"

"Thirty minutes—you?"

"Same."

Genma scanned over the line yet to go. "They'll run out of food 'fore we get there," he smiled loosely, "By then…"

"I know," she sighed. "We'll have two minutes to pick off the crumbs on the ground, fighting off birds at our elbows."

"Say, why don't I take you to that place on the east side—mostly civilians go there anyway. You know, the tradesmen and such. It shouldn't be all that busy since they pack lunches anyway—my treat."

Her smile showed almost a coy reservation—unlike her. "Well…" Genma looked expectantly at her as she glanced at the line and the overworked men trying to satisfy two castes of men—what did she have to lose? "Well…Oh fine," she slowly agreed.

"Yes!"

She and Genma fled the line and she quickly folded the letter back into a square and safely tucked in her vest. "Come on quick," he said, and she followed without missing a step.

"See?" he smiled. She beheld a tent, enclosed like a rectangular gazebo with a multitude of tables and chairs on a rectangle of gray concrete. "Pick out a table," he instructed. "I'll come back with something."

"Thank you," she said gratefully. Yuugao picked a chair overlooking the mountain faces and the flowers. White napkins were on the table in metal containers over the crisp white tablecloths, as were two sets of clean silverware on the white top as if no bang loud enough could have ever moved them in the first place. The normalcy moved her into a genuine, calm smile. Glancing behind her, at the wall, a large clock read nearly fifteen-to. Sighing, she remembered the letter tucked away in her clothing. Would it be coincidence, seeing Shiranui Genma again on the day she got this letter? But surely Genma would not have been secretive enough to leave no return address even if he_ had_ no address. 'From your adoring bovine' would have satisfied his crazy humor on the front or on the back of it. Her curiosity was well covering over her hunger until Genma returned with a white box of something the two split in half. "Thank you so much," she said again gratefully, "Are you sure I can't—"

"My treat," he grinned. Her appetite returned as soon as the napkin fell on her lap. "Where have you been stationed?" he asked.

"Patrol duty—lately," she added. "And you? Where in the_ world_ have you _been?"_ she smiled at him.

After a moment, "…Patrol duty," left his lips with the same uninterested tone as hers. A quirky smile followed.

She grinned. Yuugao glanced behind her toward the clock for a second before she attacked the food again.

"I'm watchin' it for you," he said.

She smiled quickly, "Thanks," As she ate, she tried to decide. She tried to decide whether or not to ask him if he had talked to Gai before the taijutsu master left. Inside Yuugao only knew one other man who could address the mysterious letter to her in that intimate a way, and she would not believe her old senpai from ANBU could have sat down and scribbled something. Like Genma, he would have at least put something cunning on the back to give her the clue. Ridiculous.

"Something wrong?" Genma picked up. "You're really quiet."

"Oh—" she smiled apprehensively, "This is just so unexpected."

He stared at her. "…'This is just so unexpected'," he imitated. "What's wrong with you? That's not like you. You've never said anything like that."

"I'm sorry," she said.

"You don't say you're sorry much either."

"A lot is on my mind these days, that's all," she smiled quickly.

"…I suppose." he said in a lazy tone. Yuugao could tell it was not completely genuine—he didn't believe her. "I—" she was about to apologize again when she caught herself. She wanted to apologize—she also felt like stealing a guilty little look at the large-faced clock staring at her from behind.

"Well. You probl'y don't want to hear this," Genma said, "But if you ever want to talk to somebody, I'm still here to kick around. You can always send a bird my way. Or a kunai."

She smiled at his light joke. "…Genma…" she said after a while. "I'm sorry," she said, with full knowledge of the how the little phrase was meaningless to him, "I…I've just been busy I guess."

He nodded.

"Did—Genma, did you talk to Gai, before he left?"

"Gai?"

"Yes, Gai, how many 'Gai' are there that we know," she smiled, "Gai-sensei."

"No...I mean, not right _before_ he left… I talked to him a little when he got back into the village—after the attack. I think it broke his heart inside. I never saw him look so devastated. That's prolly' why he hitched a ride north. He might have been looking for something more to do. Why. Did he write you that letter?"

"Oh no," she said, without really knowing.

"Well, look, I'm sorry to bring it up Yuugao, but I…" Genma hesitated. He rarely hesitated. Yuugao's heart beat wildly as she suddenly stared at him, bewitched upon his infrequent candor. "I just don't want to see you alone, that's all," he said.

The woman worried about the clock. The tense feeling balling up in her stomach rose her indignance in a bad way. "Should I attach myself to any man, then?"

"No," he answered calmly, "That's_ not_ what I meant…"

She was silent, thoroughly disgusted with herself over her senseless anger. Then she remembered the clock once more—"Thank you so much for lunch," she stood so fast she saw his shoulders jump, "I must go." Yuugao turned, walking briskly, then she ran.

She ran all the way back to her post, and once alone, she felt regret. "What's wrong with me?" she asked herself aloud. Neither sad nor mournful, the woman could have cried. Catching herself before the extremes of that emotion, she looked around, trying to listen for something equally as vague as her own common sense. _Is it just me—do I really still feel alone in a crowded place? _Was that her dilemma? Was that her weakness? Was it all just in her head?

Yuugao instead took a deep breath and stood there, waiting impatiently for that something she knew not what.

.

The moment she was relieved for another short break, she found a tall tree near the Konohagakure walls and pulled out the letter while feeling incredibly guilty for what she said to Genma considering he went out of his way to show her some friendship. But Yuugao did not want to hurt the man's feelings again, yet she could not continue to ignore him. Groaning to herself, she opened the letter again and tried to find out who or what it was about—

_Please forgive me, for ignoring you until now. It was never intended. How are you? Have you been taking chicory?_ Yuugao was not. _If so, I apologize again this entire letter may well set you back a few bottles, but as Gai wisely told me, life is simply too short._

_I've been doing some thinking, and it cost me what I can only hope can be paid off on the battlefield. As someone once said before, I can only assume I'm paying off karma at an extremely fast velocity. Somehow, as you know, I always wanted it to. Watching Sandaime, seeing Asuma, even seeing Gai I don't know when the moment will come, but I am ready for it. I am ready to atone for my mistake should the chance come again and reversely, I felt ready to write you this. I felt ready, for once in my life, and I need not explain to you how terrifying it is…_

She was interrupted by a little brown sparrow who flew down beside her. It was a bird with a tiny scroll of paper tied to it's foot. "Chirp chirrp! Chirp chirrup!" he repeated over his scruffy black neck. Reluctantly she sat up straighter, setting the letter on her lap, and untied the scroll. As soon as she did, he flew, grumpily, away. Expecting it was from a superior or fellow chuunin she was surprised to read,

_Yuu, I'm sorry to upset you. I know you appreciate honesty. What I was trying to say was that I love you, I appreciate you, and I value you as a friend and I care about you. I was just asking if you were healthy and happy. I didn't mean to impose (all that much) if that's what you thought. I'm sorry. I won't ever do that again. _He scribbled a smile. _Your good friend, Genma._

Yuugao sighed horribly—her break was over.

Folding the letter over again, she put both it and Genma's message on the inside pocket of her vest.

.

Uzuki Yuugao entered back into the village after seven o'clock. Weary, and without having been able to read any more of the mystery letter, she thought about food and dinner—the lines were less, but she didn't feel like getting into any of them for fear Genma would have pursued her. Sighing, Yuugao turned to go in a different direction, outside the village, to her home.

It was an apartment, one she had to pay for out of her own pocket in a small town. The housing situation was by no means complete yet in Konohagakure, so she and a few others remained, for the time being, doubled or tripled up in apartments and hotels just outside the village. Coming in, she walked up three flights of stairs consciously, as if old Academy friends were waiting to speak to her also, and her eyes widened when she saw a plastic bag hanging from the handle of her door. It was only the rest of her uneaten lunch. Yuugao took it and she sighed, knowing she must return and apologize. She wasn't quite sure where in the village Genma, like Aoba and Raidou, were hanging about now, but she'd find out.

She put the food in her fridge to let it chill, and she collapsed on a kitchen chair cushion, glad she was alone in this place by herself tonight. After a moment, she took out the mystery letter. Taking a deep, exhausted breath, she read again until she left off—

_What I am asking you,_ the person wrote then, _is whether you still care about me in the way you did about a year ago._

_When I saw Naruto welcomed back into the village that day, it hit me again that sometimes a laurel is not always defined as a success of war or conflict, but of spirit. Obito was the last person to show me that. Naruto reminded me, and I suspect many, many others of that feeling._

_I've never told anyone this yet but…_

Yuugao received a knock on her door, and with it, her patience suddenly snapped at the same moment—"What! What the hell is it?" she barked senselessly.

The female shinobi left the letter on the small kitchen table and made her way to the door, opening it feebly..."Oh!"

"Would I be safe, if I only came to talk…?" the older nurse asked with an odd, aunt-like smile over the violet haired young woman.

"I'm so sorry…" Yuugao smiled. "it's just…" Would she ever read the letter in peace? "I was…going to have dinner…" Yuugao eventually decided after she closed the door.

"A piece of a paper? That's your dinner? Oh dear," the nurse said melodramatically, "Let me take you somewhere. You poor thing, it's no wonder you're so thin."

"No…" Yuugao quickly folded the letter and let it sit there. She smiled, "Please, sit," Yuugao retrieved the box from her refrigerator, uncaring if the contents were cold or not—"Um, do you mind?"

"Not at all."

"Could I make you some tea? Lemonade?"

"No thank you, you sit there and enjoy. I only forgot to thank you for the case shipment. I shouldn't say I _forgot;_ you ran away before I could shout for joy and then thank you. So thank you," she smiled.

"Oh, was it there and intact?" Yuugao asked eagerly.

"Yes yes, every last flower remedy, all there," the nurse said, seeing Yuugao begin to peck her dinner with a metal fork from the drawer. "I also brought you this," the woman pulled out one glass vile from the pocket of her blouse.

Yuugao looked at it, it was marked with her name. "Hornbeam?"

The woman nodded.

"Oh thank God," Yuugao exclaimed jubilantly. "Thank you so much!" she smiled moving, the amber vile near her. "Oh thank you."

"No problem," the woman smiled. "…Are you doing all right?"

"Well…" Yuugao fought with herself, "I don't know…I…" Yuugao laughed, but it exited more like an anxious sob in a short breath, "I don't know."

The woman opposite her looked puzzled, "That isn't like you."

"I know! I know…" Yuugao steadied her voice. "I—I've been under a great deal of stress lately. Everyone has. And I suppose it's made everyone a little...on edge," Yuugao worded with a furtive smile. "It's a wonder my hair hasn't turned gray…yet…" She pulled at a strand to inspect it.

"Some people's are just born like that."

Yuugao grinned softly, knowing the person she could be speaking of. Time passed by with an eerie peering stare into her soul—Yuugao cringed. She burst with a tearless sob and then a mournful smile when she was not grieving—"What is wrong with me?" she wondered aloud as if her friend might really have an answer. "Is it just today? What do I do?"

"It seems I should have brought you over some Larch as well."

"Ha!" Yuugao laughed. "I think what I need…" she trailed; the older woman looked on, half-expectant. "I was happy. Once," said Yuugao. "but now—now that everything has gone crazy, even the men are looking for security! How crazy is that!" Yuugao exclaimed with an anxious thud inside her heart.

"Oh Yuugao," the older woman smiled. "Now what is it—have you found someone—someone else?"

"Well, it was the strangest thing. Genma approached me. Today."

"Oh?"

Yuugao disliked the woman's tone, and in turn, disliked bringing the matter up before her. "Yes," Yuugao sighed. "Not that he was…It almost feels like I have any choice in the world to make but I do not want to chose."

"You can always marry someday, if that be your decision."

"Yes," Yuugao said seriously. "But I'd rather be alone than live with a man who's insecure—_not_ that I'm saying he _is_, but…"

"Wait, who do you mean now? The copy ninja or Genma? Or somebody else?"

"Hatake Kakashi is his name you know. People are also born with names. They acquire the nicknames later…"

"Sorry—the doctors all around me still refer to him as such, especially since he's been in and out of their care so much lately. Hatake Kakashi…You're still holding out for him?"

"I don't know. If Genma is insecure…" A smile sprang to her lips when she thought of her old senpai, "He's not get any younger, either," she mused softly, her head on her palm for a moment. Both of them were not. Both of them were such good and dear friends. One aloof, the other effervescent and even charming.

"Have you seen him? The woman asked curiously, "Kakashi."

Yuugao shook her head fighting back a smile, unwilling to mention the letter, if it were indeed written by the Hatake man.

"And Genma?"

"He bought me lunch today," Yuugao elaborated, the smile blooming, "I…He said it himself—or wrote it since he couldn't really say it—he still loves me. He didn't… But I'm afraid I'm the cruelest woman in the world if I outright refuse him…_again_…" Yuugao sighed heavily. "I mean I'll always love him dearly as a friend, he seemed like he was always there for me after Hayate... He was like an older brother. And a cheerleader," she smiled. "…And Kakashi," she shook her head, "I haven't seen him in ages," Yuugao said quietly. "Not that he ever came calling. I worked up the courage in that matter. And with Anko and Ibiki—Kurenai and her baby—is every man in Konohagakure suddenly remembering the importance of family? Seems a little pretentious—all except for Gai of course," Yuugao smiled to herself, "Dear Gai-sensei. He may have the most common sense of them after all…"

The nurse looked at the young shinobi girl in an odd mixture of shock and understanding toward her inner confusion—she smiled, "Perhaps, then, you should wait for Gai's return. I cannot help you. But you're not alone—I had a weird experience just three days ago when a man near my age asked if I was single. (I told him _don't_ call me, I'll call him.) Still. I hope you come to a decision—the right one, in your case," she added with some sympathy, standing.

"Thank you," Yuugao answered, standing to show her out. "Thanks so much for the Hornbeam…" Yuugao's voice trailed, seeing the woman leave.

After she locked the door, Yuugao raced back for the table, grabbing the letter until she caught sight of the amber brown bottle sitting on the table like a friendly statue—it was too late in the evening to take it now. Who knows what she might accomplish. Yuugao got up and set it on her kitchen counter for morning. Then quickly, she regained her seat and scanned down to where she left off, after Naruto,

_I've never told anyone this yet but when I blacked out, after fighting the Pein body, I saw my father. I saw him sitting alone in a dark place with a dying fire. He was waiting for me. Call it a dream or delusion, but it was no genjutsu. It was no _illusion_. (You know how badly I check for those.) I told him I was proud of him. And then he left._

_Believe it or not Yuugao, but I have grown weary of fighting. There is no chance the enemy will submit, so neither must I. If we do not fight and win, then everything my father and Konohagakure made will not survive. I will not allow that to happen. So you can believe me when I'm terrified I'd like to see you one more time, Yuugao. I've thought of you lately, very much._

_There was one more thing I remembered about seeing my father again. Before he left he was worried about me becoming a brat. (Can you imagine?) He was worried about the war he knew was coming. He was thinking about the harvest, but most of all he was thinking of me, after all, I was the only thing he had left. Before this dream ended, I remembered vividly I realized I was in the same position as he. Now I feel it too. War is coming. And in this time I have never seen the shinobi bonds around me so close. Chuunin are even a little more tolerant toward the genin—especially the young ones and us jounin are finally treating the chuunin with respect. As it turned out, Naruto is no longer the young boy I took him for. He may be our best hope against the darkness in time._

_I believe we're finally ready. I think I finally understand what we had to go through to come to this point._

_Yuugao. Please f__orgive me for taking the roundabout way to ask a simple question of you. But Yuugao, after this is all over, would you marry me?_

_Yours steadfast, Kakashi_

Yuugao's face was a gasp in the shape of a very, very quirky smile, frozen upon her face for a moment. Then, the odd smile gradually extinguished from her face like a candle, and she sensed the smoke rising within her heart, smoldering hesitation. A year ago, she realized, she would have said yes. But now? _now,_ _senpai?_ Her head fell back, and as she stared at the ceiling, she was uncertain she could say yes, even if he walked in her door the very next moment.

.

She couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning on the hard mattress she tried and tried but her mind would not shut off to feed her body the wonderful food of sleep. "Dammit!" she exclaimed angrily when it came to five o'clock in the morning. Starved by sleep and fueled by the gut of anger and legs without a head neither to feel nor follow them, she slid out of bed somehow at six o'clock in the morning and did not touch her Hornbeam. She didn't even try to act awake. Yuugao took water and trudged out the door, to her post again. Maybe the letter could just remain a horrible sleepless dream.

But unfortunately, her state of mind seemed to show. "…Yuugao?" said the chief, always believing the girl was slightly strange, "What happened to you?"

Part of her wanted to burst out in tears, and the other wished to find a canopy and sleep. Remembering the copy nin's choice of diction, she decided to confide, "A sleepless night, sir."

"Oh is that all? Is it serious?"

"I hardly know," she answered vaguely. "I'm sorry sir, it probably won't happen again…until the next time."

"Well, I was going to charge you with the western perimeter and a couple genin…but how about you go into the village today. Go see Shiranui Genma—He will assign you somewhere."

Yuugao's eyes bulged. "That's an order, miss." She was on the edge of giggling hysterically…she obeyed the command without objection.

.

"Reporting for duty, sir…" she said once she found him near the mountain with the faces high above and a bed of flowers, like a meadow, below. The aromatic scent calmed her nerves for a minute. "Perhaps the post office would be a nice place to send me. You know how I am so agile and acrobatic."

"Huh?" The needle in his mouth turned upward over the petite, stringy, and baggy-eyed woman. "Yuugao? What happened to you?"

"A sleepless night. So the chief sent me to you."

Genma smiled.

"Look—about the other day," she said before he could speak, "I'm so sorry for walking out on you. You'd think I was acting like a school girl, but the truth, I figured out, is simple. It seems like everyone knows_ exactly_ what they want except for me. I am totally, one-hundred percent lost. And I'm really very sorry to have taken it out on you."

"…That's nothing to apologize for."

"Well, getting all frantic about it is—I'm so sorry," she said again, her eyes on the ground.

"Did you really get no sleep on account of me?"

"Well…It was…another matter—I was totally sleepless," she said, unwishing to mislead him, "The general feelings of loss and hopelessness…The usual," she shrugged.

"…Oh. That's really…"

"…Not like me. I know. Let's find Yuugao today. Hm. I wonder where in the hell she has gone…" Yuugao muttered sarcastically.

Genma regarded her for a while before he smiled kindly. "You know…let me tell you something about youth—you're not expected to have it all figured out, you know. It takes time."

"But I _am_ expected to do my duty, and even that is—"

"Yuugao," Genma cut her off seriously, "Wouldn't you think, whatever it is, Hayate would want to see you be _happy_?"

The violet haired woman stood there—a small breeze could have tipped her over. Her mouth remained open slightly as her brow knit together painfully. Tears then came to her eyes over his memory and what he meant to her: the strong Oak type, both gentle and resilient. For the longest time, she had never bothered seeking a replacement for the Oak remedy, even though there were other men who could have used the same and benefited. "…Who can be happy in these times," she thought aloud somberly, hoping to justify her misery.

Genma seemed to smile though she would not look at him do so until he said, "The honest shinobi fights not because he hates that which is before him, but because he loves that which is behind him. There now," said Genma after a moment. "I think you should go home for a few hours and get some sleep. You really look like hell."

"Aw, thanks," she said as she wiped a tear away before it ran down her cheek. She had an inclination to tell him he was handsome too. She wanted to tell him Hatake Kakashi proposed to her in an indirect way but she couldn't. She could not break Genma's heart. As far as she knew, if he had Aoba and the others to boss around, he still had Raidou here somewhere to keep him company, except Raidou was terrible at cards…Hey—maybe the lucky Ace might do…

"Well? You going or not?"

Without warning, Yuugao suddenly leapt up and threw her arms around him in a friendly way. Genma enjoyed this gesture, from whatever feeling it sprang. Yuugao parted with a weary smile on her face, "Genma, " she asked seriously, in a quiet tone, never asking this question before, "…Are you ever afraid?"

The senbon needle twitched sideways with his teeth as he said quietly, with a faint smile, "All the time."

Yuugao returned an uneasy smile and looked away. "I'll settle for anything," she said absorbing a renewed sense of energy. "I'll get sleep later."

.

When she finally returned to her apartment, she glanced at the amber bottle sitting idly on the counter. Yuugao groaned. She went to bed immediately and after five and a half wonderful hours, she came back out in the morning, putting four drops into a small glass of water, and she drank up slowly, hoping the Hornbeam would make her feel all but invincible and clear-headed. Reporting for duty with a smile on her face, she was ready to handle anything that might come her way, even though she blissfully knew not what exactly she'd say.

.

Walking around idly, Genma headed over to the medical tents when he noticed some commotion under his watch arising on the north end. It was a man, a genin screaming fear of needles. Genma felt ready to pin the man down when he witnessed something extraordinary a few moments later, watching the woman administer a cup of water. Soon after she was able to stab him when he was looking and he began to laugh like a little boy, "Ah, that wasn't so very bad…!" he chuckled.

Genma blinked, still amazing those damn remedies kicked in so fast, administered in the right way at the right time. The scene dissolved as easily too with the woman waving farewell sending him off with smiles and all but a piece of candy as his reward. "Oh did you both finally get your replacements?" the shinobi asked with his hands in his pockets, peering over the case and the many little bottles stacked within.

"Oh Genma…!" The woman recognized—"Yes we chipped in together. I daresay they're coming in very handy with what all the emotion running so high these days."

Genma chuckled, remembering Yuugao's such emotion. "Yuugao should be taking one—to which was she suited…?"

"Chicory."

"Chicory…" Genma remembered.

"For people who have trouble letting go," the nurse leaned in confidentially, "Don't tell her this Genma-san, but she thinks I gave her Hornbeam, but actually, I've given her Chicory. With some Scleranthus added in for good measure."

"Oh?" Genma uttered with great intrigue.

"It may do her good," the woman nodded. "In the meantime, can I help you? Perhaps some Agrimony for you?" she teased.

"Ha-ha," Genma grinned, without half understanding her joke, "You crazy women."

"Well if all the men are going crazy as Yuugao says, then we might as well."

"When did you give it to her, the Chicory," Genma asked curiously.

"Just a couple days ago…why?"

"Oh, no reason," said Genma innocently.

.

Yuugao wondered what dinner she could find in the village that evening. Picking a line, she looked in the direction of the restaurant Genma took her to and decided from the spur of the moment she might try it there. Just as soon as she left the line, the man himself appeared with uncanny timing, as always—"Yuugao!" Genma smiled cheerfully, "How are you today? Feeling better?"

"Yes, much. I did not scare the chief today…Nor anybody else for that matter."

"…Oh?"

"Now I am going to have dinner, then go and get more sleep. I am dead tired. There was a confusion over some travel papers today," she smiled.

"Ah," said Genma with a knowing tone. "What about that 'Hornbeam' stuff you used to take, isn't it helping? I see you and your friend got the new case," he inquired as he followed her slow walk.

"Even flowers only have so much remedial power Genma," she smiled. "I've got to give it more time. I want to feel like my old self again."

"Oh…" Genma was smiling at the back of her head of long dark-purple color hair. "I see."

"Do you have nothing to do? Or did I become suspect?" she asked with a teasing smile, aware of how close he was to her.

"Well I am off-duty too…for a little while. And what better way to spend it ensuring your lanky frame 'gets from point A to point B."

"Thank you."

"Yuugao, you got my note a couple days ago, didn't you?"

She nodded, "Yes." She cringed a little, searching for something more to say when he said, "Well?" with a smile.

"Well what?" was the only thing stupid enough she found by tragic mistake. She stopped. "Genma I'm sorry," she quoted her old senpai, "But I want to wait before making my decision."

He looked puzzled as if she should have wrapped her arms around him like the day before.

"You were right," she added faithfully, "I want to be happy. And I desperately want to figure out what that means. When this is all over, " she smiled apologetically, "I'll decide where to go from there."

"…That's a long time."

"…Is it?"

Suddenly, after so much rejection like rocks falling onto his shoulders, he began to smile an odd smile that could mean so many things. Afraid he hated her, she asked, "What?"

Genma's smile twisted and turned, like a ship rocking through storm but it remained. "Kakashi trained you well. You really sound like him lately I guess…Giving me all these vague answers and such."

She looked genuinely astonished.

Genma stood by his word, leaving Yuugao's mouth agape as she realized there was truth in what he'd said; "…I…I didn't realize…"

"You used to be happy. I liked you like a kid sister, and then I thought maybe, you could be happy with me," he paused. "But that's ok," he said. "I'll wait."

"Genma…" she said tentatively after a moment, "I didn't want to break your heart if I should say no."

"If that choice makes you most happy, you'd be hurting no one's feelings Yuugao."

"Even yours?"

"Well, after I cry myself to sleep every night," he uttered dramatically.

Her eyes saddened, "...But you wouldn't start the next war over me?"

Genma chuckled, smiling.

"I'm sorry," she frowned.

"Don't worry about me. I'll be here," he nodded at the mountain faces, "until they turn out the lights forever...and _my_ charming face is up there."

Yuugao laughed, admiring the day.

.

A few days later, she was working and watching near the north-western border. Again, the area was silent as the sound of a sunny day she missed seeing out her window back in the village. Having lost everything focused her ears to that empty space around her, and all its possible anomalies of the darker kind. "Absolutely nothing on my end," was what she said to her unit superior.

She packed her own lunch today so she would not have to leave the area for anything. And taking mineral water enhanced with 'Hornbeam' she was content, her hunger being satisfied beyond the meager scraps of what she took. She ate quickly so she might have time to sit and lose herself in blank thought. It was the best thing next to battle and running wildly to and fro on God's green creation. But from the dark shadows, she heard something deliberate as soon as she let her last thought float away. "Come out," she commanded suddenly in hard tone of voice, poised and ready to defend herself with a kunai in hand.

"I didn't exactly use much stealth," she heard a familiar voice say. Yuugao turned with disappointment in her eyes. The least her old senpai could have done would be to sneak up on her like old time's sake. He used to do it on purpose. It scared the crap out of her. "Senpai…" she said almost sheepishly. "What brings you here?"

"It seems…You received my letter?"

"I did."

Kakashi hesitated, watching her nod only. "You…do you have an answer?"

"You mean a good one?" He was wearing a green vest, same as she, except his fit him well and he was wearing indigo clothes as if he'd been born in them. Some days she believed he had. His hitai-ate leaned over the Sharingan eye as usual, covering more of his face already unreadable to the untrained eye.

He said nothing with his hands in his pockets, waiting for something, waiting for her.

Yuugao smiled for him and took a deep breath. "I—"

"Before you say anything," he interrupted with an apology, "I'm going away."

"But…haven't you just got here?" she smiled strangely.

"I wasn't told _where_ until twenty minutes ago. I think we both know what that means. I realize it's terrible timing," he shrugged with a sincere tone in his voice, "You and everyone else have come to expect that from me, at the least, but the best you can believe is that I meant what I said. …All of it," he added after a pause as if it meant something.

Her smile curled, and shortened, knowing the gravity of her decision upon his seemingly indifferent poise. She had always dreamed he might have feelings for her, he might have even _liked_ her with so much as a smile off duty and now that he was there, in front of her, it felt more like genjutsu than what she felt when she was being trained and learned under his direction in her youth. She remembered what he'd said about seeing his student, and about being weary of fighting, and about an hour when his time might come toward honor or dishonor. Karma. He was just like his father now indeed, except he had so little in his life now but her and his follies—and his youth going by. Suddenly, she was speechless, unwishing to break _his_ heart as well. Biting her tongue, he continued to stand there patiently bearing it like she knew he always would.

Yuugao swallowed. "Well?" she heard him say lightly, without any tone of imposition whatsoever. He'd obviously come without any expectations.

"If you had asked me a year ago," she said, trembling, shaking inside, "Yes. I would have said yes. Now?" Yuugao shook her head once, slowly. "I can't," Her answer surprised him. She surprised herself, speaking. She apologized at once, "Senpai, I'm so sorry."

"Of course—I mean yes. Is there…someone else?" he guessed.

"No," she answered lightly, her face coloring. "I don't know. Not really. I doubt there will ever be anyone else. In the immediate future."

Again, his eye seemed to move across her features in a reservation of surprise and confusion.

Unwilling to say goodbye, unwilling to see him leave, "I hope you'll forgive me. I'm so sorry," She was about to say more, but she did not want to burden him with her problems. Especially vague ones like hers. "I'm so sorry—And thank you. Thank you senpai for everything. I owe you so much over the years. Godspeed. …I must return to duty now," she turned with her own heart pining for him until she stopped her feet and said heartfully, "Come back, Kakashi, please," looking him in the eye with all the seriousness of a school house blackboard. Yuugao saw him flinch. Recoiling ever so slightly. She'd never seen him do that before. But he seemed to nod, silently, and Yuugao left him, until the gravity of what she'd just done settled in her stomach. " I said _no_…" she said lightly to herself, wondering why it hadn't pained _her_ more. Wondering why yet, were there not tears in her eyes? She loved him almost as much as she had loved Hayate. _Senpai didn't deserve that,_ she thought to herself. "But what should I have said?" Once again, Genma's words came to her mind, but her personal happiness had not been betrayed just now. Yuugao had said no. "I said _no_…" she said to herself again in a haze, still feeling no pain. No regret.

.

Yuugao went back into the village, unable to see her senpai for an indefinite period. The thought of which unnerved her. "Why did I say_ no_?" she wondered a little more curiously now. If she couldn't have said yes, but she shouldn't have said no. Yes? Yuugao traveled to the white tents to find a friend and seek guidance—or console. "Are you on break yet?" were the first words from her lips as a young child scooted off with an erased scab off his knee. "Yes—what is it? You look dreadful."

"Oh thank you," answered Yuugao. "What else could I be?"

"You could be beautiful."

"Oh no, that's beyond_ my_—" Yuugao jumped: the voice had been Genma's. She turned suddenly, shocked by his presence. The nurse greeted him and Genma smiled back. Then Yuugao suddenly noticed he was leaning on one side in a subtle way as if he had been a patient earlier—"Are you all right?" she asked him after an open mouth of hers finally closed.

"Of course—and you?"

Yuugao bit her lip from shouting, 'Bug off,' Instead, she glanced at her friend behind, "I might as well join Akatsuki. I have done more evil deeds today than Orochimaru did in a lifetime—" Genma shushed her questionable sarcastic banter with his fingers. "Yes yes," Genma agreed, "Not so loud there Miss Yuugao."

She bit her tongue and her brow knit—a very large cry of frustration waiting to release itself. "What happened?" asked the woman behind her. With Genma in front, and her friend in back, Yuugao could not exactly run the canter, the gallop she wished. Given only two options now of speaking truth or telling a lie, she hesitated in a moment of decision. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. How could she ever speak of the pain she inflicted upon one of Konohagakure's finest? _AND WHY DID SHE SAY NO?_ But Genma cocked his head with a playful smile, unaware of her plight, "Come now, you wouldn't hurt a fly unless he barked at you."

"But if—But if he proposed to me, what then?"

Genma watched her eyes staring into his—a thin shell of water shielded the hurt behind them—"Did you make a decision?"

Yuugao nodded. "I was so terrible to him. I don't know what came over me, and now I know I'll never be a friend to him," she looked away. "I think I've betrayed his trust…"

"I bet he forgave you," Genma smiled, taking a lock of violet hair in his fingers and tugging.

Yuugao pulled away in confusion, and Genma stiffened awaiting an explanation. Yuugao said, "It's…Kakashi."

Genma's senbon fell sideways and then he uttered in shock, "…You told him yes?"

"I told him no."

Genma and the nurse were both equally shocked.

Yuugao felt the sudden urge to flee. "I said no to all of it," she answered before she darted west briskly and never looked back.

"I think it's about time she knew. It's gone to her head," said Genma with a sigh. "In a bad way."

"Oh yes," the nurse grimaced guiltily with a hand coming over her eyes. "I had no idea it'd have that effect on her—Tell her I'm sorry…"

"Very sorry."

She nodded. Genma easily caught up with her since Yuugao had stopped near a plain view of the walls of the village destroyed. "Genma I'm sorry you thought I meant you, I—"

Genma hushed her with his hand this time out of friendship rather than intimacy. "That's enough of that."

"I broke his heart! I broke your heart! I broke everyone's heart!"

"But was that your answer? Your _honest_ answer to him?"

"…Yes," she answered tentatively without denial. "I refused him."

"Yuugao," Genma broke it to her gently, "Your friend there gave you Chicory, not Hornbeam a week ago. She wanted to help you move on from your love and your grief. You care about us more than anything—She's very sorry for doing it now."

Yuugao stared at him in disbelief, then a flash of white hot anger came to her eyes, able to blame some tangible culprit—the little_ vial_ on her _counter!_ "Oh I should have _known!"_ Yuugao hit her thigh in frustration, unsure of herself now more than ever. "Why didn't I_ realize_…!"

"It's my fault," Genma atoned, shrugging his wounded brow, "I knew, and I took advantage of it."

"No, no…I should have been more careful, more guarded, and now look at what I've done…"

"Yuugao…" he smiled.

She swallowed hard. "What am I going to do," she wondered aloud. "Wait until it's all over…?"

"If he showed up, right now, what would you say to him? Your answer. Would it change?"

"…I don't know," she swallowed again. "I mean…I did think proposing to me in a letter was a little uncreative…but what should I have expected? Sunsets and marble halls…?" Yuugao smirked with a dash of humor. "Hell is awaiting us," she said seriously, looking at him fiercely. "Fire and death and pain. And since the ANBU days we've always been far apart, and he's never took interest in me that way, ever, until now. You've been there for me far more than he ever was.

"I realize he's being open for the first time in such a long distance, and the last thing I wanted to do is break a man's heart, but I couldn't say yes. I just couldn't. Can you understand?"

"No…But I can tell you to follow your heart."

"My heart speaks another language," she said after a moment. Her eyes gazed now over the open dirt.

Grass had not come back yet to this broken, hallowed ground. There was no green sod beneath the tall trees once rooted so deeply, so peacefully in this old village. Could the same be said for the state of her willingness to love? "Genma," her voice turned light but serious in nature, urging him to listen to her words, "Kakashi is gone now. I may not even see him again. I don't know how this will end, or how well be at the end of it. Wars…are usually unpredictable. But if it's all the same to you, I want to wait and see. For a little while. For better for worse. I can't shake the feeling I've had that none of us will come out of it unchanged in some way…Genma, you've been the best friend to me. I only wish there was something I could do for you. Anything."

He smiled, apparently content standing there near her, watching her face rise and fall in her speech. "Roger that," he smiled. "But there is _one_ thing I wish you might give me."

"What's that?"

"If we're all heading off to war, I'd like a kiss, for luck."

Yuugao's lips widened, revealing a toothy grin.

"But…if you don't want to…" Genma took his senbon in his fingers in preparation for a heavy sigh and a stiff shrug, "That's—"

Yuugao leaned upward a little on the top of her toes and kissed a very tall man. Her cheeks flushed like a multitude of pin pricks on the skin underneath her eyes. Her cheeks flushed as the man held her shoulders, leaving her unable to pull away as quickly as she had wanted to.

But after a few moments, it ended. "I feel damn lucky tonight," Genma announced. "I feel damn lucky for a thousand nights."

"You're welcome," the twenty-six year old said with a grin she couldn't clean off her face.

Yuugao left him after a while. She went home; to her new apartment outside the village that is. She walked up the stairs and inside her room in a bit of a daze. Taking off her vest, pulling over the cold sheets, her thoughts came together like a crazy puzzle and she suddenly had only one single strong regret about her meeting with her old senpai, "I should have kissed him goodbye," she said aloud to herself in her empty room.

The thought began to bother her.

"I should have kissed him goodbye." she repeated.

Eventually she sat upright, enormously troubled by this all the more until an idea struck her. She searched for the nearest scrap of respectable paper and her only pen stuffed in the other scroll pocket and wrote on the small white square,

_Dear Water Violet, I hope that you will forgive me for being so rudely cold to you. I never meant you harm. I was not myself. I don't know where this letter will find you or how great a mercy to me that it may reach you __in the first place but I want you to know I will always care about you very much. And I hope we make it through all this together. I pray for that every night. I send you a kiss for luck, if you'll take it. Godspeed, and God willing, we'll both figure this out if we come back. Please come back. You won't go down without a fight. I promise I won't either. But don't give up fighting WV, even after the war is over. Don't give up fighting for yourself. Despite all your apologies, you're the best soldier and the best man I have ever known. Don't give up, even after our fighting is done. And as you once told me, may God be between you and harm, and all the empty places where you must walk._

_Yours Sincerely, forever little 'C'_

.

The letter found him, a number of months later in the dark, while he was waiting for…

…

.

.

.

.

_Caliko  
><em>

.

(probably to be continued in one more installment!)


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